Moving Forward

When I am depressed I think about all the mistakes I have made. I focus on my faults and failures. Unemployed (well marginally employed in a temp position) and feeling lost and scared I began to think of the people I have helped. I have mostly worked in the helping professions. I have worked with people who have had to rebuild their lives after horrible accidents or after the onset of severe mental illness. I thought about these people and how many serious issues they had to cope with. I asked myself if I were my own client, what would I tell me? That created a surge of energy and new ideas.

I would have a client focus on the positives. Such as: sure I have had many jobs, but that has given me a broad range of skills. Also, I have had some phenomenal successes. I have saved people's homes from foreclosure; right out of law school and with one letter I got an insurance company to pay for cancer treatment it was refusing. I charged nothing for the service. I have facilitated supported groups, written funded grants, passed two bar exams the first time. I have a masters degree and was a certified rehabilitation counselor. (I let the certification lapse after going to law school.) I have done a lot and all while struggling with severe depression.

I am capable but I suffer from low self esteem. I always feel "less than." Everyone else seems to have it together and I feel like such a mess. I feel washed up. But I am not giving up. When I was younger and had moments like this the idea of re-creating myself wasn't as daunting. I feel like I should be accomplished, settled into a career. I know there are others like me. People who are having to start over. Especially in this economy. It is up to me. I have to let go of the fear. I am more and more in touch with the relationship between fear and my depression. I have to trust that what ever tomorrow brings, I will be able to handle it.