I have been doing better. The tendency is to write when I feel really, really bad. I need to resist that because then the view of me is skewed. I cleaned house this weekend, organized some paperwork, walked my dogs, watched a movie with my husband and went out to dinner with him. I must confess I drank too much wine Friday night. May sound like no big deal but I spent the last several years pretty sloshed and I have been proud of the fact that I don't drink during the week and only modestly on the weekends. My husband is not an alcoholic but a regular drinker and I fear that I will fall into old patterns when I go home. I hope not. I really think it would be best if I didn't drink at all. Drinking and depression don't mix.
Oh, I also painted. I painted, let the paint dry, and then cleaned some more then painted some more. Didn't paint anything great just experiments. My secret desire is to make my living painting. My husband shared a book with me: Talent is Over-rated. The theme of the book is that the great get there by practice and hard work not merely by "having talent." I found that encouraging. I hope to paint some things I have the courage to post. I have a portfolio of "keepers." Things I feel proud enough so sign and keep. I looked at those this weekend.
I don't have my paints with me here, but I look at on-line art lessons on the internet. I also study art and artists online. My favorite living artist is Mary Whyte. I took a class from her once and hope to take more.
I think the fact that it is spring helps. SUNSHINE makes a difference. However, April is the month when most suicides are committed (at least the last time I researched it). Most people think the rate of suicide is highest around the holidays.
It is nice to feel more in control. Last year was a black, black year.
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Don't be so hard on yourself about the drinking. I used to be a heavy drinker as well but quit due too all the medications. You sound very positive in this blog. I hope the painting is helping you. Stay strong. Strength to you and many hugs for comfort.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am following your blog; you do an excellent job of describing what it is like to live with bipolor disorder. I relate to a lot of it -- both my personal experience with depression and that of my son depression/bipolar disorder.
ReplyDeleteA very touching account of your life. I feel you're letting things get a bit heavy and you need an outlet.I also know how this feels. Writing my blog has helped me so I hope yours will help you. Like you, I enjoy painting but not at the moment, too much concentration needed. I enjoy photography more. My favourite living painter is Jack Vetriano, Scottish chap. Not his real name of course but who cares. His paintings inspire me because I can see so much feeling in them and it's almost how I view life. Please keep your painting going, they're good and it helps you to feel free. Mart.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The comments help so much. I have been to your blog. The photographs had such an impact on me I can see them right now in my mind. They are good -- very, very good.
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