I'm not sure what my goal is for this blog. I think perhaps I have found a forum to discuss my depression with fellow sufferers and those who simply want a better understanding of depression. Only a very few number of people know that I suffer with depression. I don't tell people that I have attempted suicide on several occasions or that often my thoughts are filled with a desire to die to simply end the pain.

I have tried therapy and taken numerous medications. No medication worked. I went off of all medication entirely and vowed never to take another medication. After ten years, I broke that vow went back on medication. My doctor looked at me and simply said, "What have you got to lose." On the brink of suicide, I had to agree but the new medication wasn't any more effective than the medications I had taken in the past. He is suggesting ECT. So far, I just can't get on board with that.

The SSRIs are the worst for me, they actually make my mood worse. Mostly, I am a functional depressive. On SSRIs, I can't get out of bed. The simplest tasks seem impossible. I am medication free again. I keep hoping the next new medication will be the one for me.

When I was younger I honestly thought I would conquer depression. I would go to therapy, work through all my issues and baggage, take medication as prescribed and viola I would be cured. I know that some people have a bout or two of depression and then fully recover, but I also know there are people like me who struggle throughout their lives.

I want to chronicle this year. I am hoping for a good one. I turned fifty this year. I want to try new things. I want to reinvent myself. I don't hope to be cured forever of depression. It would be nice to find new ways of coping -- of managing it somehow. I hope to find people who are willing to share their own experiences with me. There is something so powerfully therapeutic in sharing stories of recovery.

If I had to describe what it was like to be depressed I would say it is like being at a wonderful ball where the banquet tables are overflowing with delicious foods. You fill your plate and eat but you cannot taste the food. You are nourished and your physical need is met but you are denied the joy of tasting.